


It's Me, Richard

by beaniejared



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Boys Kissing, Dinesh and Gilfoyle are shit disturbers, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Humor, Jealous Richard, M/M, Misunderstandings, Oblivious Richard, Pining, tho isn't he always lbr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-02 21:10:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14553588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beaniejared/pseuds/beaniejared
Summary: Richard couldn't determine why exactly he gave a single shit. Because he didn't, not really. Jared could date whoever he wanted, it didn't affect his life in any way beyond having to hear about it. So why was he dwelling on this mystery woman? She probably wasn't even that pretty. She probably didn't understand Jared at all. She probably usedspaces.Or: "That Time Jared Got a Cat and Richard Misunderstood Everything"





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**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing fanfic for Silicon Valley, please be gentle with me. I love these two dorks so much. Any typos/errors are my own. This takes place sometime between season 4 and 5.

“You got a _cat_?” Dinesh’s eyebrow quirked up, staring at the ever beaming face of Jared fucking Dunn, “How’re you gonna find time to take care of it when you spend so much of your day up Richard’s ass?”

With Dinesh and Gilfoyle having worked through most of the morning, they’d taken a much needed break to make fun of Jared. Which, Dinesh thought, was a far more important use of their time. Gilfoyle leaned back in his chair, hands clasped across his lap and a satisfied look on his face as he nodded to Dinesh, “Are you scared of cats too, or is it just dogs that turn you into a whimpering baby?” Okay so apparently ‘making fun of Jared’ included jabs at Dinesh too. Whatever.

“Shut the fuck up Gilfoyle, cats are nothing like dogs!” With a pause, Dinesh moved his chair closer to Jared, whispering, “Do you have any pictures?” He could get back to making fun of Jared later.

_After_ seeing cat photos.

Jared straightened in his seat, blue eyes wide with delight usually reserved for five year olds, “Oh, of _course_! Margaret’s such a little ham for the camera, I feel like a regular Annie Leibovitz!”

“Wouldn’t you be more of an Ansel Adams?” Gilfoyle mused from the corner.

Jared scoffed, pulling out his phone, “Don’t be silly, Ansel Adams focused strictly on landscapes. Miss Leibovitz is known for her portraiture, she has an uncanny ability to transform her subjects into modern day works of Rembrandt.” Gilfoyle rolled his eyes, or at least whatever equivalent his face could manage, and Dinesh bent forward further to get a look at Jared’s phone. The two of them huddled over the screen and Dinesh felt a smile creeping up.

Jared swiped through his album, showcasing photos of a fat orange tabby spread across a light blue dress shirt on his bed, “The shelter said she’s around four years old, but they don’t know her birthday. And they found her behind a White Castle dumpster, so we’re truly kindred spirits.” Dinesh ignored Jared’s unnerving comment in favour of looking into Margaret’s big blue eyes.

Once they’d almost scanned through all the photos, Gilfoyle rose from his seat and towered over them, “Fuck it, show me the damn cat.” Jared complied, angling his phone so he could get a good look.

Dinesh barked a laugh, “I knew it!”


	2. 43 68 61 70 74 65 72 20 31

Richard entered the hostel around noon, sliding into his seat after dropping his bag across the back of his chair. Jared greeted him with an enthusiastic “Good afternoon Richard!” and Gilfoyle added a “Nice of you to finally show up.” for good measure.

Richard sighed, pulling out his laptop and slumping in his chair, “I was, uh… at the doctor’s.” That fucking doctor. He’d gone in with a migraine and his doctor had convinced him he had a tumour. Which then promptly resulted in Richard greeting a trashcan face first as he expelled all of his breakfast.

Behind him he’d heard “Vomiting is a symptom. I think. I’m not actually sure.” And of course, Richard had continued his close personal relationship with the can as he threw up whatever the hell was left.

“Richard, is everything alright? Should we be concerned?” Jared’s soft voice and empathetic look were appreciated, especially since Richard knew he’d be concerned regardless.

He shook his head in a manic back and forth, mouthing ‘no’ before clearing his throat and letting his gaze fall to his laptop, “So uh _—_ what’s everyone _—_ what’s been going on? What’s the happs?” He cringed at himself and his inability to manage human words.

Dinesh spoke first, mouth wide in a shiteating grin, “Well, Jared has a new _lady_ in his life, and she’s beautiful.” Richard clenched his jaw, meeting Jared’s eyes. Jared, who seemed so happy, almost blissful, over the news.

Jared, who practically bounced in his seat as he pulled out his phone, “I’ve got photos! Would you like to see? She’s absolutely gorgeous.” _Beautiful, gorgeous_ ; the guys were really into this mystery lady. Even Gilfoyle seemed impressed, though honestly it was hard to tell.

“No. No. Maybe uh, maybe later. I’ve got a lot of work to do,” Richard replied, uttering a small “sorry” before pulling on headphones and immersing himself in code. It wasn’t that he was angry or anything, he simply didn’t need to see photos of Jared’s new girlfriend. The man was practically swimming in pussy, it wasn’t like Richard wasn’t used to it.

Still, Jared hadn’t committed to anyone long term before, at least not to Richard’s knowledge. And thinking of a woman spending any length of time with Jared made Richard itchy. Like he wasn’t comfortable in his skin _—_ which honestly, _accurate—_ but he didn’t care about what Jared did in his free time.

No siree, he didn’t care one bit.

“What’s her name?” Richard almost surprised himself by speaking, fingers propped at the edge of the table, scratching at the wooden finish while he continued staring at his laptop. Nope, he definitely didn’t care.

“Oh! Margaret; she’s named after the groundbreaking young adult novel by Judy Blume. That book helped me navigate the stormy seas of adolescence during my formative years, it seemed almost poetic.”

Wow. Okay. So Jared managed to meet the one Margaret in all of Palo Alto outside of a nursing home. Unless Jared was dating a senior citizen, he honestly wouldn’t find that shocking. The thought left a bad taste in Richard’s mouth, but he bowed his head in acceptance.

He resigned himself to his work, this time actually pressing _play_ on his music before attempting to finish a code he’d begun the night before. It looked almost indecipherable, likely in part due to six Red Bulls and a general negligence for a proper sleep schedule.

Maybe Jared was right to be concerned for his health.

 

\--

 

Later that evening, Jared had left for a meeting, a business meeting. _Something_ involving business, at least. Richard watched him leave and immediately removed his headphones, glaring daggers at Dinesh and Gilfoyle, “Margaret.” The word came out accusatory and pained, which wasn’t his intention but it didn’t matter. He didn’t _care_.

Gilfoyle turned, expression unreadable as he said, “The _Judy Blume character._ ”

Richard had meant to form the name as a question at least, implying he wanted information. He tried again, forcing his voice to sound a little less frantic, “Jared’s girlfriend. What’s she… what’s she like? You saw the um _—_ the photos?”

“I did.” Gilfoyle, ever the wordsmith.

Dinesh perked up, providing an answer to the question Richard hadn’t asked, “Like I said, she’s beautiful. Golden red hair, blue eyes, a total catch.” Hearing that hadn’t made Richard feel as at ease as he’d hoped. For whatever reason, he was fixated on the mere concept of this person. Thinking about her having Jared’s undivided attention left Richard with a hollow pit in his gut. For once, he didn’t understand the source behind his gastrointestinal problems.

Why should Jared’s _girlfriend_ impact Richard’s digestion? She shouldn’t, and she wouldn’t _—_ wasn’t, because he didn’t _care._


	3. 43 68 61 70 74 65 72 20 32

The evening bled into night, and Jared was once again hunched over his laptop, face scrunched in concentration. They were the only two left awake, and Richard definitely _wasn’t_ staring at the tuft of hair that had fallen against Jared’s forehead. He _wasn’t_ fixated on Jared’s fingers as they deftly typed away. He _wasn’t_ feeling heat rise in his cheeks for absolutely no reason because why would that even happen when he’s so busy working and _not fucking looking at Jared_.

Except he was. And he couldn’t seem to pinpoint when he’d become so damn interested in random bits of Jared. It wasn’t a conscious decision, like one day he woke up and thought to himself ‘Hmm, how can I make work more exciting? I know! I’ll dwell on Jared Dunn’s hair and his fingers and why the fuck are his eyes so blue anyway _what is he hiding_?’

Huffing to himself, he closed his laptop and rubbed at his eyes before removing his headphones, “Hey, uh, Jared?”

Jared turned abruptly, facing Richard as he took in his worn expression, “Yes Richard?” His eyes were so genuine it was impossible to hide a smile. Those fucking _eyes_.

Richard blinked to escape the full force of Jared’s stare, focusing on the corner of his perfectly pressed shirt instead of making eye contact, “Are you, uh _—_ are you heading home soon?”

“Oh!” Jared glanced at his watch and smiled, “Yes, I should be going. I need to pick up some treats for Margaret on my way home. She was pretty cranky this morning.”

Richard felt that familiar heat in his face, suddenly very aware of where his arms lay dormant in his lap. He crossed them over his chest for a brief moment before pulling at his earlobe, “So you, uh _—_ you know what? It’s pretty late, I’m gonna _—_ I’m _—_ yeah,” He stood, nearly knocking over his chair as he jerked upward, “Have a good, uh _—_ goodnight.”

So Margaret was already living with Jared? They were at that point in their relationship this early? That didn’t seem normal, did it? Richard wasn’t exactly the expert on relationships. Or women in general, admittedly. The few times he’d managed to as much as kiss a girl, it’d been so awkward he’d nearly thrown up on the spot. And he figured that wasn’t the most useful tool when trying to woo someone.

Still, even a socially inept basement dweller like Richard knew that you _waited_ to move in. You gave it thought and prepared and made sure you had the same taste in movies because _what are you even going to watch on Netflix or are you just gonna scroll through every selection for all eternity like a broken block of code in an infinite loop_?

“Richard?”

Jared’s questioning tone ripped Richard out of whatever the hell his brain was stuck on, “Yeah _—_ yes?”

“Are you alright? You’ve just been standing there.”

Shit. How long had he been stuck there gaping like an idiot while his brain ran over all the reasons Jared’s relationship was doomed to fail? Probably too long, definitely too long. Any amount of time was too long. “Sorry, yeah, right. I’m leaving. Uh… goodnight Jared. Again.” He bowed slightly before practically sprinting to his room, shutting the door behind him and digging the heels of his palms into his eyes. Anything to scrub his brain.

 

\--

 

At around seven in the morning, only four hours after he’d passed out, Richard was slinking his way into the kitchen. Clad in boxers and a worn grey t-shirt so threadbare it was practically transparent; eyes unfocused, navigating the room on pure instinct. In his quest for coffee, he’d completely missed the giant lingering at the table nearby. Richard stopped next to a cupboard and almost hit his head against it when Jared’s voice sounded from behind him, “You’re up early.”

“ _Jesus_ Jared!” Richard turned on his heels, facing the other man, “What are you doing here?”

Jared stood, taking a tentative step toward Richard, “I’m sorry Richard, I didn’t mean to scare you. I wanted to get an early start on some proposals I’ve been working on. You know what they say, the early bird guts the worm.”

“I mean, I guess that _—_ did you say _guts_?”

Jared took another step, “Were you looking for coffee? I was actually just making some; though I’m sorry, I didn’t expect you to be out of bed so early, or I would’ve already had one prepared for you.” They stood awkwardly in the kitchen, Richard’s tired eyes greeted by the seemingly endless amount of energy Jared kept in the tank, even at ass o’clock.

Richard leaned against the counter behind him, tugging at the hem of his shirt, “Okay yeah, sure.” He wouldn’t admit that he barely slept, that visions of a beautiful redhead tearing Jared apart had consumed his subconscious the minute he’d closed his eyes. Though the dreams were strangely terrifying, he doubted Margaret breathed fire in real life.

Still, he hadn’t been able to calm his brain and figured it’d just be easier to wake up and do something with the time his dumb mind had gifted him. He watched as Jared reached for a mug, pouring coffee for Richard before making one for himself. Because of course he would.

“So, uh… doesn’t Margaret mind you... being here this early?” Richard hadn’t meant to ask it, but apparently in the early morning his mouth was really curious about the state of Jared’s relationship. Just like the rest of him.

Jared had finally finished stirring the coffee and was standing before Richard with his arms against his body, clutching the mug like it was precious, “Oh no, she doesn’t really notice when I’m gone. She’s really independent.”

For an unknown reason, Richard felt a wave of anger pinch his spine over that response. It was irrational and stupid but he couldn’t get past the thought that this woman clearly didn’t appreciate Jared if she barely noticed his presence. Sure, Richard had forgotten about Jared before, but he hadn’t in a long time.

Looking back on it, he was a bit of an asshole. Well, maybe more than a bit. But he wasn’t any _more_ , and that’s what mattered.

Jared handed him his coffee with a smile, returning to make his own only once Richard took a sip, “Thanks. It’s good.” Jared knew exactly how Richard liked his coffee, his tea; he probably knew things Richard’s own mother hadn’t learned over the years. It was a testament to how diligent Jared was in his work, how much he paid attention, how thoughtful he was, how sweet and _—_ he was very observant, is the point. Richard used to find difficulty in acknowledging that blind devotion that came bundled with the whole Jared-Package™, like DLC for the socially deprived.

He no longer had that problem.


	4. 43 68 61 70 74 65 72 20 33

The afternoon dragged on, and Richard had managed to go hours without thinking of Jared’s girlfriend. So naturally it irked him when Dinesh interrupted that peace by opening his damn mouth, “Hey Richard, have you met Jared’s girlfriend yet?”

Richard’s fingers spasmed and he accidentally minimized his command-line interface, “What? No. No. I haven’t.” He didn’t look up, eyes fixated on the wallpaper Gilfoyle had somehow snuck onto his laptop when he wasn't looking. The Cowardly Lion. Huh. No, he definitely hadn’t met this elusive Margaret, nor did he want to.

“That’s an excellent idea, Dinesh!” Jared’s optimism would be almost frustrating if it weren’t so charming.

“Isn’t it?” Dinesh’s smug face was so close, all Richard had to do was reach out with his fist and _—_

“Richard, would you like to come over and meet her tonight? I think she’ll love you, you have very similar temperaments.”

And there he went comparing them, making Richard prickle in his seat, eyes of barbed wire as he looked at the other man, “No, I can’t. I’m uh, I’m going out tonight. With a _—_ with a girl.”

Jared clasped his hands together and smiled with such genuine delight that it stung like a bite, “Oh Richard! That’s wonderful! Who’s the lucky lady?” Richard opened his mouth a few times to respond, every female name he’d ever heard flashing before his eyes like A Beautiful fucking Mind.

“Yes, Richard. Tell us.” Gilfoyle wasn’t close enough to reach out and hit, but Richard figured he could do some damage if he threw his coffee cup at that smug Canadian bastard. He settled for willing his glare to set Gilfoyle on fire.

Clearing his throat, Richard shrugged and looked anywhere but at Jared’s eager expression, “She’s, um, her name _—_ she’s Judy.” Fuck. He really needed to learn more girl names.

“Blume?” Gilfoyle snarked, meeting Richard’s second glare with a calm complacence that managed to further stir a fire in his belly. Sure, the name was a bad choice. And yes, he was a blatant liar, but Jared didn’t know that. Though Richard was sure the name was such an obvious fabrication that he’d see through it immediately.

“What an amazing coincidence, Richard. It’s a strong Hebrew name, and she must be equally as magnificent to have caught your eye, you _vixen_.” Or maybe not. Jared seemed so pleased that Richard had a date. Usually he’d feel immense pride in knowing he’d convinced at least one person that he wasn’t completely inept with women, but he only felt hollow. There was heat in his chest and razor wire in his veins. Nothing in his life made much sense lately, especially when it came to Jared.

Gilfoyle added a final comment before turning back to his work, “Yeah. _Coincidence_.”

 

\--

 

Big Head’s phone went to voicemail after a few rings and Richard was pacing around the backyard biting his nails, cursing AT&T. He’d snuck out during a particularly bitter feud between Dinesh and Gilfoyle over something ridiculous. So ridiculous, in fact, that Richard couldn’t remember what spawned the argument. He stared at his reflection in the pool and sighed, redialing his friend a fourth time. Finally, he picked up, a placid yet cheerful “Hey Richard” voiced from across the line.

Richard huffed, “Why weren’t you answering your phone?” He sounded frantic, voice quick and rising in tempo as he felt anxiety stir in his stomach.

Big Head replied in his usual tone, seemingly unswayed by Richard’s distraught squeaking, “Oh yeah, I was just meeting with the Dean. Apparently I might be getting tenure or whatever? Hey, do you know what that means, ‘cause when I asked they just laughed.”

Richard continued as if Big Head hadn’t said anything, “We’re best friends right?”

“Well yeah, but _—_ ”

“Would you ever get mad at me for dating a girl?” Richard couldn’t quite figure out where his mind wanted to go with this conversation, stuck somewhere between anger and fear and maybe a little nausea. It was a stupid question, yet his brain to mouth filter had broken the minute he stepped over the threshold of the back door.

Big Head hummed to himself, apparently deep in thought, before saying, “Not really… unless you dated like, my mom or something. Then yeah, maybe. That’s not cool.” It quieted Richard’s unease when he realized that his friend had given an honest answer, but it further amplified when he considered that the answer wasn’t _helpful_ in any way.

“No, I mean… if I got like… a girlfriend or something. Would you be mad?” He paused, “Not your mom, just uh, any other girl.”

“I don’t think so. If I did, I’d have to think about why it matters to me at all, because like… It doesn’t?”

Richard heaved a breath, peering behind himself to ensure he was truly alone before hunching over the phone and whispering, “I just _—_ Jared has a girlfriend.” It fell like bricks from his lips but he realized that the statement alone didn’t explain his current state. It was like he was allergic to coherence.

“Oh wow, tell him I say congrats, man. Is that all you wanted to tell me? Because I should probably go, I’m at a charity gala.”

Straightening, Richard stuttered, “Wait, you’re _—_ a gala? You’re at a gala? Like. Right now?”

“Yeah, I have to give this big speech about something. I don’t know, really. They have good sandwiches. They’re small like a cracker, I can fit three in my hand before _—_ ”

“Big Head! I just need to know. Why would I… _potentially…_ be angr _—_ upset about uh… Jared having a girlfriend.”

“I don’t know, man. Maybe you’re jealous of him?”

Richard bit at his lip, “Jealous? Of him?”

“Yeah. Or her, whatever. I really gotta go, they’re getting pretty mad.” Before Richard could object, the line went dead. He had wanted to scream denials until he was red in the face, tell Big Head the multitude of reasons why he was wrong.

But he wasn’t.


	5. 43 68 61 70 74 65 72 20 34

He could do this. He felt like his insides were molten lava but he could definitely. Do. This. Richard stood outside Jared’s condo, chewing at his thumbnail in anxious anticipation of whatever it was he planned on doing. He'd been dragged there by an unseeable force or fate or some other equally cliche garbage.

Finally taking the plunge, he knocked once before knocking louder two more times to get his point across. Jared was at the door within a minute, hair mussed, wearing a white tee and flannel pajama pants. A pillow crease ran up his cheek and Richard found it hard to concentrate. “Richard? Is something wrong? It’s two in the morning.”

Was it? Richard hadn’t checked, he’d been too amped up on a combination of courage and indecision. And too much caffeine, if he was being honest. Richard pressed his palms heavy into his ribs as he crossed his arms and shook his head, “No—nope. Nope, nothing’s wrong. I just, uh… can I come in?”

Clearing the door and stretching a long arm out behind him, Jared smiled sleepily, “Of course, would you like something to drink?” Leave it to Jared to be hospitable even when faced with unwanted visitors in the middle of the night. Richard stepped inside and watched Jared shut the door behind him.

“No thanks.” His hands were shaking despite clamping them down and a river of questions ravaged his subconscious. Could he really do this? What if Jared hated him after? Is Jared even capable of hating him? He’d done some terrible shit in the past so it wasn’t unlikely, but he knew he couldn’t manage another day without facing up to… whatever he was dealing with.

“To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?”

Jared followed as Richard moved unsteady feet closer to the couch, motioning toward the taller man before pointing to the cushions. An unspoken ‘can we sit?’ evident in his gesture, and Jared nodded and happily joined him on the couch.

Richard kept a distance from Jared, making sure to leave room for Jesus, “I wanted to apologize.”

To his credit, Jared seemed earnest in his confusion, all furrowed brows and gentle timbre as he countered, “Richard? You’ve already apologized for—”

“This isn’t about Hoolicon or—or firing you. Though, I am. Still. Um, sorry about that.” He should just spit it out, declare what he’d intended when going over there without warning. Jared met his eyes, remaining quiet as an invitation to continue. Richard found himself staring, taking in all of the other man in ways he’d never allowed himself before. The long slope of his nose, the curve of his lips, pink and smooth in all the ways Richard’s weren’t. The intensity of his piercing gaze, akin to seeing the sun whenever it was directed at you.

He chewed on his own chapped lips, gazing further downward, stopping at where Jared’s shirt had crept over slightly and his bare collarbone presented itself like a sign from God, “I uh, I needed to apologize. For being a jerk. An—an asshole. I didn’t wanna meet your girlfriend and I lied about not being able to, and I—I treated you like shit whenever you brought her up. And. I’m sorry.” He put every ounce of finality that he could muster into that apology, though Jared still seemed just as confused.

“So, you’re not seeing a woman named Judy?” Of course that was what Jared would focus on.

“No, I don’t—I’m not dating anyone.” Perpetually, it seemed.

Jared looked to be thinking, then with a quizzical look asked, “Why wouldn’t you be alright meeting her? Are you allergic?”

Richard started, “Allergic? Is… that possible?”

“She’s in the bedroom, if you’re concerned.” None of what Jared said was making sense, but Richard nodded nonetheless. He’d come over to apologize and the discussion had somehow turned to unknown women allergies.

He was at an impasse and knew what he had to do. The only way to dispel his guilty conscience, “Is she awake? Would she mind if I... Can I—can I meet her?”

Jared bounced in his seat, clapping his hands together in obvious elation, “Of course! I’ll go get her.” He rose fluidly, padding over to the bedroom while Richard leaned back on the couch, extending his neck in an effort to get a look. When Jared opened the door, Richard could clearly make out an empty (if a bit rumpled) bed. He sank in his seat, face forward, and attempted to fully comprehend exactly what was happening.

She was either in the bathroom, or imaginary. Richard silently prayed the latter to be true, regardless of how terrible that made him. It was easier to deal with a non-corporeal woman.

There was some credence to what Big Head had said but it was still puzzling, the fact that Richard had become so unsettled over what Jared did in his free time. Thinking of anyone getting close to Jared, taking away all the time the two of them shared together; it stirred his stomach in all the wrong ways. Though it'd taken him far too long to realize, he knew he didn’t want to lose Jared. And wasn’t that just the weirdest thing.

Richard stood when he heard noise and Jared emerged from the bedroom, carrying something. “Richard, meet Margaret.”

Richard glanced behind his tall frame, taking in the notably empty space, before meeting his eyes. Jared was smiling, warm and lighthearted with his usual impassioned openness and Richard was rendered useless under the force of it. His mind was stalled, stuck on the way Jared’s mouth curved upward and brought life to his eyes. He knew he was gawking but was unable to stop.

“Richard?”

Oh right, he needed to say something. Richard met Jared’s eyes and forced a smile before finally looking at whatever was wrapped in Jared’s arms. An orange ball of fur.

Wait, something moving.

Something _alive_.

“Cat.” Okay so maybe his brain hadn’t caught up to his mouth just yet, “A cat.”

The orange ball—cat—rolled sluggishly in Jared’s arms, bright eyes squinting up at Richard like it’d been disturbed from slumber. Which, technically, it had. Richard frowned, moving closer, stopping just before reaching out to touch her. She was fully grown and yet dwarfed in Jared's wide hands, surprisingly cute and not at all the hellbeast his dreams had conjured up.

Jared’s smile grew, as if he’d made everything clear from the beginning, as if Richard wasn’t a complete idiot who can’t tell the difference between a quadruped and a human woman, “She’s a rescue, and she’s just as cheeky as the precocious young protagonist that is her namesake.”

Complete silence. Richard was still catching up.

A cat. Jared had a cat. Margaret: _definitely_ a cat. No beautiful woman he’d chosen to preemptively hate, no reason to worry about his confusing relationship with Jared. Just a cat.

Well, at least the allergy comment made sense.

Jared bent forward, Richard’s eyes narrowing in on the blurry face too close to his own, “Are you feeling sick? Do you need to use the restroom?”

“No,” Richard scrubbed at his eyes, widening the space between them and dropping back into his spot on the sofa with a thump, “I thought she—uh, nevermind.”

Realization dawned on Jared’s face and he sat next to Richard once again, the space between them wide as the great fucking plains. Richard wanted to slide closer, urged himself to push closer, but remained perfectly still, arms once again wrapped around himself.

“You thought she was a woman.” Jared stated it like it wasn’t a question and Richard sighed while inwardly cringing at his mistake, giving a curt nod to indicate that yes, he _was_ that stupid. Jared laid the cat between them and she licked at a stain on Richard’s pants, “I’m sorry for the confusion, Richard. I thought that… with the way you often allude to your relationship with your laptop, I figured it was obvious, but I guess I’m just not as proficient at tongue-in-cheek anthropomorphism. No one else told you?”

He still couldn’t speak, tongue heavy and useless against his teeth. Shaking his head vigorously, he again pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes, keeping them there in an attempt at erasing any and all memories of the past few days.

Fucking Dinesh. Fucking Gilfoyle. “I’m gonna _kill_ them. Fuck.” Oh he said that out loud. Well, it wasn’t like anything could make Richard look much worse.

“Why... wouldn’t you want to meet my hypothetical human girlfriend?” Nevermind.

Maybe, if he kept perfectly motionless, Jared wouldn’t see him and he wouldn’t have to answer.


	6. 43 68 61 70 74 65 72 20 35

“Richard?”

Jared was expecting an answer. He was looking at Richard with such eagerness that he could feel his skin burning. What could he possibly say to excuse any of his behaviour? He didn’t even fully understand it himself. Naturally, he sputtered whatever nonsense floated to the surface, “I don’t—I can’t—Jesus—I’m so fucking stupid. I don’t even _know_ what I—” He couldn’t look at Jared and his body curled in on itself as if on autopilot, “I didn’t wanna know—that you were getting close to someone. Someone _else_. I wasn’t—I didn’t. Did you know Bighead’s getting tenure?”

Jared placed a hand on Richard’s knee in a tender move Richard couldn’t fully appreciate, given his inner turmoil. Though he felt strangely proud of himself for not flinching at the touch, “Richard,” He was nearly whispering, as if noise would spook Richard, as if he’d run screaming, “Do you… have romantic feelings for me?”

There it was. The question of the hour. The motivation behind all the wrong steps Richard had been taking. He shut his eyes, head against the back of the sofa, unable to face up to the truth he hadn’t yet admitted aloud. Had he actually gone and fallen for Jared? Was this some sort of big gay awakening? Was he a woke gay now?

Jared seemed to read into his silence. He always was good at fully understanding Richard’s thoughts and needs. Jared’s sweet-tempered voice broke through his musings, “Richard, look at me.” And he did, because he couldn’t deny Jared anything. “Do you trust me?” Richard didn’t dare utter a single word, afraid of calming the static in the air. He nodded, heat rising in his cheeks, so sure of how ridiculous he must look.

Jared spoke again, “I’d like to try something. Would you please close your eyes?” There he went again, shutting his eyes without question, obeying Jared like he were the Pied Piper luring Richard into the unknown.

The hand at his knee shifted, cupping against his cheek and sending sparks through his skin. Richard felt lips press lightly against his own in a chaste kiss; the lips he’d thought about far too often to be normal, warm and soft and surpassing his expectations by a mile. Before he had a chance to fully respond, Jared pulled away.

“Wuh?” Richard opened his eyes halfway, focused solely on the stormy skies within Jared’s. He was frozen in place, thoughts stilted, stuttering over the unusual sensation of finally understanding what he wanted.

Jared looked almost sheepish, removing his hand from Richard’s cheek and placing it in his lap. His face turned red in such an endearing way that Richard had difficulty forming coherent thought. Jared slipped into a smile effortlessly, yet so obviously laced with doubt even to someone as dense as Richard. That uncertainty bled into his words when Jared asked, “Was that… enjoyable? Or… Oh no, Richard, I'm so sorry. You’re wholly entitled to physical violence for my arrant violation of your trust. Though if you could keep it relegated to any area below my neck? I’ve found bruises easier to disguise when concealed by clothing.”

“Jared _stop._ ” Richard shifted forward, grabbing Jared by his sharp shoulders, angling himself just so, and crashing their mouths together. Margaret whined between them, hopping off the couch and disappearing into the other room. Rightfully so. They didn’t need an audience.

The kiss was more chaotic than the first, Richard’s uncoordinated lips smacking against the corner of Jared’s mouth a few times before eventually getting it right. He shuffled closer, groaning in discomfort at their knees knocking together before taking the plunge and straddling Jared. His bent legs fit around Jared’s hips like they were two pieces to a puzzle, slotting together perfectly as Jared slid deft hands under Richard’s shirt and over his spine.

He hitched a breath at the contact and Jared took it as an opportunity to slide into Richard’s mouth, tongues tangling together, the taste of mint and sleep and something so decidedly Jared that he could feel it in his toes. One hand twisted in Jared’s hair and Richard let the other trace over Jared’s chest, indulging in the decidedly excellent choice he’d made in going to Jared’s condo.

They separated by a few inches, heavy breaths blending together, cheeks pink and pupils blown wide. Jared, with both of his hands still against Richard’s bare skin, swallowed heavily and said, “I suppose that answers my question.” And Richard let out that giggle he’d always hated, airy and fast and all too childish.

He slid his hand through the soft hairs at the base of Jared’s neck, “Jared. I think. I kind of love you. I mean—yes, yeah I definitely do.” The revelation came the moment the words left his mouth; he loved Jared. He was entirely, stupidly, completely fucking gone for that gentle behemoth.

Jared’s eyes grew glassy with unshed tears, and it was evident how those words affected him as he visibly shuddered, “Thank you, Richard,” He could only smile at Jared thanking him for something that came about so naturally, widening further as Jared declared, “I love you too. I have for… a long time.” The heat returned to Richard's chest, warming him through to his core, and he leaned forward to pepper kisses along Jared’s neck. The floodgates had opened and Richard felt brave for the first time in a while.

“Richard,” Jared’s voice was breathy and ragged, “While I would very much enjoy continuing this, I really do need to sleep.”

He stilled, speech muffled against Jared’s skin, “Right.”

“You’re more than welcome to join me.”

 

\--

 

Cool air filtered into the bedroom from an open window, the night outside peaceful from local infrastructure development's destruction of local wildlife. The moon cast its glow in the dark room, painting Jared as an excessively pale, almost ethereal creature. Like a beautiful deceased accountant.

When he began his day, he’d never imagined how it would end. Laying half naked over Egyptian cotton, pressed tightly along Jared’s body, with Jared’s girlfriend nestled against the crook of his neck. The amount of love coursing through him in that moment almost overshadowed by the _pure boiling rage he felt toward Dinesh and Gilfoyle_.

They were in for a few choice words in the morning. _Oh yes._


	7. 45 70 69 6c 6f 67 75 65

“Hey Gilfoyle, I got an email from Richard. He’s gonna be in late ‘cause he spent the night with _Jared_.”

“And?”

“I don’t know, isn’t it kind of... gross?”

“Are you implying that you’re secretly homophobic? Because I’d revel in yet another reason to hate you.”

“No! I don’t fucking care that they’re guys. They can gay it up all over town if they want. It’s just. _Richard…_ and _Jared._ That’s like imagining my parents together.”

“You make a fair point. For once.”

“Do you think they had sex? Are we gonna have to hear about it? I don’t know if I can handle them playing fucking footsie under the table like a couple of… Brokeback Mountains.”

“You could always go back to imagining your parents.”

“Oh screw you, Gilfoyle. Like you’re not thinking the same thing.”

“I can assure you. I am not.”

“Fine, I’m gonna show them how tolerant I am of their relationship. I’m gonna tolerate the _hell_ out of them. You’re gonna _wish_ you were as tolerant as me.”

“What every gay person longs to hear.”

“How much do you think a rainbow flag costs?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I was really nervous posting this but it means a lot to read your comments <3 I might write a short part 2 PWP at some point, just to wrap it up with a bang, but who knows.


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